I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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