I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
