Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
