just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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