just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
