Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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