the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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