then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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