i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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