you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
