I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
