Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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