Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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