Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
