Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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