i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize