my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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