I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My bed smells like the plague
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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