she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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