I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
