man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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