He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
