Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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