this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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