My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I supernannyed him into submission
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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