First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
try to milk me bitch
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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