Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
