**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
