I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
