Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize