Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
40s are totally the cure
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
