I can text with my tongue
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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