I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
