She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
