I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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