I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
