I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
