I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize