I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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