there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
