yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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