he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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