OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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