Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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