Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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