Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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