When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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