He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
