I bet he comes in French.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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