He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
