I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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