God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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