I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
