And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
