Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
