FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
