i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
