I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
