Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
