Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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