The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
