Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
